1 00:00:01,604 --> 00:00:03,040 -[military music] -[knocking on door] 2 00:00:03,106 --> 00:00:04,441 [keyboard keys clacking] 3 00:00:05,177 --> 00:00:06,412 -Hey. -Colonel. 4 00:00:06,479 --> 00:00:08,316 Are you considering my suggestion to 5 00:00:08,350 --> 00:00:10,220 transfer to a different base? 6 00:00:10,287 --> 00:00:12,191 No, I just remembered that I-I left a knife 7 00:00:12,225 --> 00:00:13,460 behind the toilet. 8 00:00:13,528 --> 00:00:15,330 Oh, I found it when I was putting mine there. 9 00:00:15,397 --> 00:00:16,800 Come on in, I'll get it for ya. 10 00:00:16,867 --> 00:00:20,140 Yeah. I just hate getting caught with my pants down. 11 00:00:20,207 --> 00:00:21,242 Especially when my pants are down. 12 00:00:21,242 --> 00:00:22,645 -Ah, thank you. Yeah. -Mm-hmm. 13 00:00:22,712 --> 00:00:24,983 I have a feeling you're here for more than a knife. 14 00:00:25,017 --> 00:00:26,319 I have ways of making you talk. 15 00:00:26,352 --> 00:00:27,923 -Very nice. Yeah. -[chuckles] 16 00:00:27,989 --> 00:00:30,528 -Oh, I like these glasses. -Mm-hmm, thanks. 17 00:00:30,562 --> 00:00:32,866 You know, I had a feeling you'd knock on my door. 18 00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:33,768 -Really? -Mm-hmm. 19 00:00:33,835 --> 00:00:36,473 Did you know that I am the first woman 20 00:00:36,507 --> 00:00:38,176 in the Canadian Army to see combat. 21 00:00:38,209 --> 00:00:39,813 -I know. -And the first woman... 22 00:00:39,847 --> 00:00:40,648 to ever lead NATO? 23 00:00:40,682 --> 00:00:43,353 -I know. NATO me, baby. -[chuckles] 24 00:00:43,386 --> 00:00:45,357 But I will not be the first woman to fall 25 00:00:45,391 --> 00:00:47,962 for some half-assed sexual harassment trap. 26 00:00:47,996 --> 00:00:49,532 You're in my chain of command. 27 00:00:49,599 --> 00:00:51,670 Go any further could be the cause for my dismissal. 28 00:00:51,737 --> 00:00:54,643 Okay, I-I had one card to play, and I played it all right. 29 00:00:54,710 --> 00:00:56,479 Really? Because I found a brick of marijuana 30 00:00:56,514 --> 00:00:58,283 when I was hiding the pantry knife. 31 00:00:58,317 --> 00:00:59,853 -Pantry knife? -[chuckles] 32 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:02,892 Everybody knows you don't hide a knife in the pantry. 33 00:01:02,959 --> 00:01:04,161 You hide a gun. 34 00:01:05,665 --> 00:01:08,036 -[Gen. Martin] What is this? -[barking] 35 00:01:08,103 --> 00:01:11,008 Forget it, Scraps. She found the drugs we planted. 36 00:01:11,075 --> 00:01:12,210 -Bye. -[Gen. Martin] Mm-hmm. 37 00:01:12,244 --> 00:01:14,114 [theme music] 38 00:01:17,254 --> 00:01:19,025 [keyboard keys clacking] 39 00:01:19,091 --> 00:01:20,795 It's a vote of confidence that General Martin 40 00:01:20,862 --> 00:01:23,767 is letting me help mediate the situation between you two. 41 00:01:23,801 --> 00:01:26,406 Mediators. They're like the refs of real life, 42 00:01:26,439 --> 00:01:28,744 except they have no whistles, no power, 43 00:01:28,744 --> 00:01:29,612 and no purpose. 44 00:01:29,679 --> 00:01:31,182 You wanted me to work with Martin... 45 00:01:31,249 --> 00:01:33,219 -so that I can help, right? -Mm-hmm. 46 00:01:33,286 --> 00:01:35,257 Well, you have got to meet me halfway. 47 00:01:35,324 --> 00:01:37,563 Colonel. I see you're still in my office. 48 00:01:37,596 --> 00:01:39,365 -Our office. -I would like to start... 49 00:01:39,399 --> 00:01:41,469 by thanking you for this opportunity. 50 00:01:41,537 --> 00:01:44,543 I believe that we can find a fair solution today. 51 00:01:44,610 --> 00:01:46,045 That doesn't involve a sex trap? 52 00:01:46,112 --> 00:01:47,347 Your loss. 53 00:01:47,414 --> 00:01:49,085 I am willing to offer a few fair solutions. 54 00:01:49,118 --> 00:01:52,324 Number one, we could transfer him to a different army base, 55 00:01:52,391 --> 00:01:54,028 or he can continue to work here 56 00:01:54,062 --> 00:01:56,465 under my command but with minimal contact. 57 00:01:56,533 --> 00:02:01,042 I prepare what I consider to be a very reasonable counteroffer. 58 00:02:01,108 --> 00:02:03,380 Oh, I can't wait. I... 59 00:02:03,447 --> 00:02:07,522 -You could just skip. -[Col. Patrick] No. 60 00:02:07,556 --> 00:02:08,791 [clears throat] 61 00:02:10,060 --> 00:02:11,964 "Go back to hell, you succubus demon." 62 00:02:12,030 --> 00:02:14,168 Is it too much to ask for her to hold the crucifix... 63 00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:15,805 -and just see if it burns? -[Gen. Martin] Oh, my... 64 00:02:15,872 --> 00:02:18,109 [Gen. Martin] You know what? I've changed my mind. 65 00:02:18,176 --> 00:02:19,445 -Did you move the table? -No. 66 00:02:19,513 --> 00:02:21,550 Yes, you did. Because that's my heart medication. 67 00:02:21,583 --> 00:02:23,955 Mmm, what's it for? Growing a heart? 68 00:02:23,988 --> 00:02:25,457 -You're such a baby. -I'm the baby? 69 00:02:25,525 --> 00:02:27,427 -You're the baby. -You are being a baby. 70 00:02:27,461 --> 00:02:29,833 I'm not... She's being the baby. 71 00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:31,302 [military music] 72 00:02:32,371 --> 00:02:34,475 Dumbest hats in NATO, Italy. 73 00:02:34,576 --> 00:02:35,878 Yeah, it's giving Peter Pan, 74 00:02:35,878 --> 00:02:37,516 but Britain literally has a feather in their cap. 75 00:02:37,549 --> 00:02:38,784 How am I supposed to take you seriously? 76 00:02:38,817 --> 00:02:40,522 [Gideon] I like the feathers in the caps. 77 00:02:40,555 --> 00:02:42,726 Shut up, Gideon. That's not the stance we've taken. 78 00:02:42,759 --> 00:02:44,261 -I was just giving... -[indistinct chatter] 79 00:02:44,361 --> 00:02:45,865 Uh, have you guys seen Shah around? 80 00:02:45,898 --> 00:02:47,668 Yeah. The colonel has him working part time 81 00:02:47,702 --> 00:02:49,740 'cause he's still in denial about his retirement. 82 00:02:49,806 --> 00:02:52,545 Yeah, I really need to talk to him 'cause I-I... 83 00:02:52,578 --> 00:02:55,049 haven't seen him since, um, since the... 84 00:02:55,116 --> 00:02:59,593 -Break up? Girl, just say it. -Okay, since the break-up. 85 00:02:59,626 --> 00:03:02,364 And I mean, between the divorce and the retirement, 86 00:03:02,431 --> 00:03:04,334 the man is having a well-earned midlife crisis. 87 00:03:04,368 --> 00:03:07,207 Mahalo. Who wants scratch offs? 88 00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:08,744 There you go. Love that feather. 89 00:03:08,811 --> 00:03:11,884 What's up, Pool Bros? How you guys doing? Scratch offs? 90 00:03:11,917 --> 00:03:13,019 -Get that money. -There we go. 91 00:03:13,052 --> 00:03:14,488 -Scratch it. -We'll scratch it. 92 00:03:14,522 --> 00:03:15,991 Uh, I didn't get any. 93 00:03:17,294 --> 00:03:20,100 -Maggie? -Abe? 94 00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,971 Actually, while I'm waiting for my DD214 95 00:03:22,037 --> 00:03:25,110 I ventured this new phase of my life called "freedom." 96 00:03:25,177 --> 00:03:26,445 So I'm going by AB. 97 00:03:26,513 --> 00:03:28,550 It's a little nickname I'm trying out. 98 00:03:28,617 --> 00:03:30,053 -Is that a soul patch? -Mm-hmm. 99 00:03:30,087 --> 00:03:33,795 I love AB, he's like 1000 times more awesome than the major. 100 00:03:33,861 --> 00:03:36,534 Hey, Maggie, you should dump Gideon next. 101 00:03:36,534 --> 00:03:40,074 -Maybe he'll finally be cool. -I'd love that. 102 00:03:40,140 --> 00:03:43,079 Uh, look Abe. Uh, AB. 103 00:03:43,112 --> 00:03:45,985 I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm ready to talk. 104 00:03:46,052 --> 00:03:48,323 So maybe you guys could give us a... 105 00:03:48,357 --> 00:03:49,726 Yeah, you know what? We should leave 106 00:03:49,793 --> 00:03:51,731 these nice people to their drama. 107 00:03:51,797 --> 00:03:53,567 [Major Shah] Hey, hey, hey. No need, No need. 108 00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:56,139 'Cause there is no drama. We're copacetic. We are good. 109 00:03:56,206 --> 00:03:58,042 We're so good. We're all good. You're good. 110 00:03:58,076 --> 00:04:01,182 I'm good. You're good. You're good. What's up? What's up? 111 00:04:01,248 --> 00:04:02,450 -Am I good? -Mm. You're good. 112 00:04:02,518 --> 00:04:06,058 -Cool. -Okay, uh, what is happening? 113 00:04:06,091 --> 00:04:09,465 'Cause, you-you know, you've been retired for a week. 114 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,904 Yeah, But when I do something, I go all in. 115 00:04:11,970 --> 00:04:13,607 I checked out, like, 40 books from the library, 116 00:04:13,641 --> 00:04:15,511 all about the rules of freedom. I even watched 117 00:04:15,578 --> 00:04:16,914 the Matthew McConaughey master class, 118 00:04:17,014 --> 00:04:21,690 and he helped me realize that everything is gonna be 119 00:04:22,358 --> 00:04:25,197 all right. All right. 120 00:04:25,230 --> 00:04:26,398 -All right. -All right. 121 00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:28,102 -Now you're gettin' it. -Okay. 122 00:04:28,169 --> 00:04:30,575 [military music] 123 00:04:30,642 --> 00:04:33,446 Specialist Gideon, have you cleaned my battle tank before? 124 00:04:33,479 --> 00:04:35,451 -No, but I'm excited. -Okay, listen. 125 00:04:35,518 --> 00:04:37,656 Military uses a very highly toxic fluid, 126 00:04:37,722 --> 00:04:39,291 so don't let it get on your skin 127 00:04:39,325 --> 00:04:41,596 'cause, well, it could kill you. 128 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,702 Hey, wait a minute. Where's my tank? 129 00:04:45,337 --> 00:04:47,975 What? Where is it? 130 00:04:48,009 --> 00:04:51,382 Sir, the highly toxic fluid is melting my shoes. 131 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,219 Sshh. I'm trying to hear the alarm. 132 00:04:53,252 --> 00:04:54,523 Will you help me put my mask on? 133 00:04:54,556 --> 00:04:57,394 Too late for that. I got to find my tank. 134 00:04:57,428 --> 00:04:59,766 Oh, man, that's going through fast. 135 00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:03,608 Where's my beautiful tank? Where is Rosalita? 136 00:05:03,641 --> 00:05:06,146 You mean my new compressed metal night stand? 137 00:05:06,212 --> 00:05:07,983 You know what? Cube up everything I love. 138 00:05:08,050 --> 00:05:11,489 What about your people? Because I just found 200 fake handbags 139 00:05:11,556 --> 00:05:13,493 that I'm eager to talk to Sergeant Conway about. 140 00:05:13,561 --> 00:05:15,865 And I realized Corporal Papadakis 141 00:05:15,932 --> 00:05:18,938 has personal grooming that does not fit army protocol, 142 00:05:18,971 --> 00:05:20,674 and I might have to take a razor to... 143 00:05:20,708 --> 00:05:22,779 -that head of his. -Oh, it's not really necessary. 144 00:05:22,812 --> 00:05:24,817 Papadakis believes that his mustache 145 00:05:24,883 --> 00:05:26,285 is a Samson's situation. 146 00:05:26,352 --> 00:05:28,222 You know, like his IT skills come 147 00:05:28,256 --> 00:05:29,592 from the 11 hairs on his lip. 148 00:05:29,659 --> 00:05:31,530 That's up to your father. You see, tomorrow, 149 00:05:31,563 --> 00:05:32,799 the NATO selection board is gonna 150 00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:35,270 rubber stamp me as the new head of this base, 151 00:05:35,337 --> 00:05:36,439 and I'm gonna have to make some 152 00:05:36,507 --> 00:05:38,443 really tough personnel decisions. 153 00:05:38,510 --> 00:05:41,216 No. No, not the pool table! 154 00:05:41,282 --> 00:05:43,119 [Capt. Maggie] Oh, they're taking it away. 155 00:05:43,186 --> 00:05:46,125 I need a compressed night stand for the other side of my bed. 156 00:05:46,158 --> 00:05:48,163 [Jan] Colonel! Where is the colonel? 157 00:05:48,229 --> 00:05:50,099 [keyboard keys clacking] 158 00:05:50,166 --> 00:05:53,339 -Hey. Listen, I have a plan. -Hey. 159 00:05:53,406 --> 00:05:54,676 Are you making Molotov cocktails? 160 00:05:54,776 --> 00:05:57,080 Technically, they're not Molotov cocktails 161 00:05:57,114 --> 00:06:00,454 unless you light 'em. And I am gonna light 'em. 162 00:06:00,521 --> 00:06:01,957 So yeah, technically, I guess they are. 163 00:06:01,990 --> 00:06:05,865 Okay, just... I was wrong. There is no meeting Martin... 164 00:06:05,931 --> 00:06:06,934 -in the middle. -I am. 165 00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,838 So if we want to take Stroopsdorf back, 166 00:06:08,904 --> 00:06:10,507 we're gonna have to fight fire with fire. 167 00:06:10,574 --> 00:06:12,444 -Right. -Metaphorical fire. 168 00:06:12,511 --> 00:06:14,215 Real fire's so much better. 169 00:06:14,281 --> 00:06:15,951 Dad, all I have asked of you 170 00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:18,958 since you've come to this base is to trust me. Okay? 171 00:06:19,058 --> 00:06:22,364 So can you do that? For once, can you just trust me? 172 00:06:22,431 --> 00:06:25,505 -Okay. -Okay, so in Brussels, 173 00:06:25,538 --> 00:06:27,073 the NATO selection committee is meeting-- 174 00:06:27,140 --> 00:06:29,478 It's everything I hate in one sentence. Okay, go ahead. 175 00:06:31,583 --> 00:06:33,419 While you were making Molotov cocktails... 176 00:06:33,453 --> 00:06:37,762 -I was making lanyards. -Oh. 177 00:06:37,795 --> 00:06:41,335 Because if we can't beat 'em, you are gonna join 'em. 178 00:06:41,369 --> 00:06:42,605 [military music] 179 00:06:42,638 --> 00:06:44,007 [keyboard keys clacking] 180 00:06:46,079 --> 00:06:48,115 You know, it is such an honor to be in the running 181 00:06:48,182 --> 00:06:52,692 to lead NATO's newest base, even if I'm the only candidate. 182 00:06:52,758 --> 00:06:56,633 Actually, so of this morning, there is another one. 183 00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:57,935 Maybe you know him. 184 00:06:58,002 --> 00:06:59,672 I mean, I think I'm the perfect person 185 00:06:59,739 --> 00:07:01,008 to run your peacekeeping force because 186 00:07:01,108 --> 00:07:04,348 I've used force to keep the peace for so long. 187 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:05,484 -[clears throat] -[chuckles] 188 00:07:05,518 --> 00:07:06,653 What do you doing? You hate peace. 189 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,189 I love peace now. I've come around, 190 00:07:08,256 --> 00:07:11,830 'cause I realize how I can use it to destroy my enemies. 191 00:07:12,398 --> 00:07:13,432 Peace out. 192 00:07:13,466 --> 00:07:15,504 [military music] 193 00:07:18,275 --> 00:07:20,748 [military music] 194 00:07:20,782 --> 00:07:23,854 What I want to know is who selects the selection board? 195 00:07:23,887 --> 00:07:25,858 'Cause you guys clean up great. 196 00:07:25,892 --> 00:07:28,129 You guys are looking awesome. 197 00:07:28,162 --> 00:07:31,268 [Gen. Martin] This wasn't your father's idea, major. 198 00:07:31,335 --> 00:07:32,872 You did this. 199 00:07:32,939 --> 00:07:34,943 Couldn't let you fire my friends. 200 00:07:35,009 --> 00:07:38,049 Well, ahem, when I get the job, it'll be bad for you, 201 00:07:38,149 --> 00:07:41,556 your buddies and whatever Jan is to you. 202 00:07:41,623 --> 00:07:44,394 A work compatriot who I've accidentally... 203 00:07:44,428 --> 00:07:46,065 -seen naked four times. -Oh. 204 00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:50,106 And, uh, you have to get the job first. 205 00:07:50,574 --> 00:07:52,010 [both laughing] 206 00:07:52,044 --> 00:07:54,415 Look at him, he's already self-destructing. 207 00:07:54,481 --> 00:07:55,784 But look at the bright side. 208 00:07:55,818 --> 00:07:58,022 I mean, nuclear winter means more ice time 209 00:07:58,055 --> 00:08:00,627 for all the hockey players from Finland. 210 00:08:00,727 --> 00:08:02,998 You guys could take over the National Hockey League. 211 00:08:05,136 --> 00:08:06,272 Guys. 212 00:08:06,339 --> 00:08:07,942 [military music] 213 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:11,249 [keyboard keys clacking] 214 00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:12,218 [Jan] Okay, party gang. 215 00:08:12,351 --> 00:08:15,090 A round of blue zombies to usher in your freedom. 216 00:08:15,123 --> 00:08:16,492 [cheering] 217 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:18,764 Welcome to the good life. 218 00:08:18,798 --> 00:08:20,066 You know, these are kind of my thing now. 219 00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,772 Rum and food coloring. They look like Windex, 220 00:08:22,839 --> 00:08:27,849 but they taste... like Windex that's gone very, very bad. 221 00:08:27,916 --> 00:08:29,686 But it doesn't matter because I got 222 00:08:29,753 --> 00:08:33,226 nothing ahead of me today except nothing. 223 00:08:33,259 --> 00:08:35,063 -[Jan] That was very cold. -There you guys are. 224 00:08:35,096 --> 00:08:36,833 -What are you doing here? -There's like no time. 225 00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:38,136 General Martin is gonna get rid of 226 00:08:38,169 --> 00:08:40,675 everybody on the base when she takes it over. 227 00:08:40,742 --> 00:08:42,411 -What? -Who is General Martin? 228 00:08:42,444 --> 00:08:44,582 But I have a plan. I just need your help. 229 00:08:44,682 --> 00:08:47,221 Of course, AB, you probably can't come 230 00:08:47,288 --> 00:08:50,728 'cause you'll be manifesting relaxation on a meditation app. 231 00:08:50,795 --> 00:08:52,766 Sam Elliott voices a bear called Sleepy Boo 232 00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:54,569 that helps you take a nap in your mind. 233 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,038 -Fine. And, uh, for the rest... -Yeah. 234 00:08:56,071 --> 00:08:57,875 of you, I will walk you through the plan on the way there. 235 00:08:57,942 --> 00:08:59,946 -All right. -Hey. Hey. Hey. 236 00:08:59,980 --> 00:09:01,950 Just curious, have you fully got up the logistics 237 00:09:02,017 --> 00:09:03,954 and possible variations of this plan? 238 00:09:03,988 --> 00:09:08,931 Why? Do you maybe want to join us for one last mission, AB? 239 00:09:08,998 --> 00:09:11,837 On the day of my retirement, if movies have taught me anything, 240 00:09:11,870 --> 00:09:14,008 that's when I'm most likely to be shot. 241 00:09:14,041 --> 00:09:17,982 -So I'm in. Uh-huh. Um... -All right. 242 00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:20,053 Ooh. Oh, didn't look like you needed that. 243 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:21,723 I didn't. And I have an immediate headache. 244 00:09:21,823 --> 00:09:24,596 -Okay, let's go. Uh, Abe. -Okay. Yeah. 245 00:09:24,629 --> 00:09:26,766 -But step one of the plan... -Uh-huh. 246 00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:28,937 -Get rid of that. No. -Uh, too sexy. 247 00:09:28,971 --> 00:09:31,341 [upbeat music] 248 00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:37,722 Where have you been? I've been pretending to be Mr. Nice Guy 249 00:09:37,755 --> 00:09:38,990 for the last 45 minutes. 250 00:09:39,024 --> 00:09:40,661 I was getting reinforcements. 251 00:09:40,728 --> 00:09:42,197 [military music] 252 00:09:51,315 --> 00:09:53,186 All right, team, here's the plan. 253 00:09:53,219 --> 00:09:55,156 So every candidate has been asked to give 254 00:09:55,189 --> 00:09:57,695 a presentation outlining how they would 255 00:09:57,762 --> 00:09:59,632 lead the new NATO base. 256 00:09:59,699 --> 00:10:01,603 Papadakis, I need your hacking skills. 257 00:10:01,637 --> 00:10:02,805 [clicks] 258 00:10:02,872 --> 00:10:04,107 War. 259 00:10:04,141 --> 00:10:08,617 Oh, it's coming. Which is why we here at NATO believe 260 00:10:08,684 --> 00:10:11,990 Stroopsdorf is essential to our... 261 00:10:12,023 --> 00:10:13,861 -Um... No. -[game music] 262 00:10:13,927 --> 00:10:17,301 Um, I did not use Comic Sans as a font. 263 00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,604 [game music] 264 00:10:18,671 --> 00:10:21,543 Okay, this is my presentation, but a lot sillier. 265 00:10:21,577 --> 00:10:22,812 Disrespectful. 266 00:10:22,879 --> 00:10:26,285 Just look at the content, not the delivery. 267 00:10:26,385 --> 00:10:27,555 [game music] 268 00:10:27,589 --> 00:10:29,826 Who attacked me? 269 00:10:29,892 --> 00:10:31,864 Conway, the chairman loves wine, 270 00:10:31,930 --> 00:10:33,667 so you need to get him something expensive 271 00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,102 and impossible to find. 272 00:10:35,169 --> 00:10:37,942 Chairman Muller, I hope you're a fan of Beaujolais, 273 00:10:37,976 --> 00:10:40,648 because if you are, I've got a bottle so old 274 00:10:40,681 --> 00:10:42,685 Jesus turned it into wine himself. 275 00:10:42,752 --> 00:10:46,860 Oh, yeah, fine, thank you. 276 00:10:46,927 --> 00:10:48,964 The colonel is way less prepared, 277 00:10:49,031 --> 00:10:51,836 So his presentation has to be just old war stories. 278 00:10:51,870 --> 00:10:54,207 Shah, help him pick a winner. 279 00:10:54,274 --> 00:10:56,478 -A tale of two caves. -It's too angry. 280 00:10:56,580 --> 00:10:58,483 How about the, uh, IED and the moped? 281 00:10:58,584 --> 00:10:59,786 Too problematic and angry. 282 00:10:59,853 --> 00:11:01,155 Why are all my stories too angry? 283 00:11:01,221 --> 00:11:03,092 I don't know. Maybe nature and nurture. 284 00:11:03,126 --> 00:11:05,330 Hey, what about the hoodless gangsters? 285 00:11:05,397 --> 00:11:06,833 -Oh, that's a good one. -That's a good one. 286 00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:07,902 -Yeah, right? -[applause] 287 00:11:07,969 --> 00:11:11,108 So we're about to breach, right? 288 00:11:11,141 --> 00:11:13,312 And, uh, you hear all these insurgents yelling 289 00:11:13,379 --> 00:11:15,984 and screaming inside, so we knock the door down. 290 00:11:16,018 --> 00:11:18,523 Guess what they're doing? They're watching 291 00:11:18,557 --> 00:11:19,993 The Sopranos finale. 292 00:11:20,026 --> 00:11:22,565 -[laughter] -[applause] 293 00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:23,834 [Patrick] Thank you. 294 00:11:23,867 --> 00:11:25,169 I had a 60 minute PowerPoint 295 00:11:25,203 --> 00:11:26,907 and a recommendation letter written by 296 00:11:26,973 --> 00:11:32,017 Boutros Boutros Ghali on his deathbed, but whatever. 297 00:11:32,050 --> 00:11:33,820 Well, Mags, this was a great plan, 298 00:11:33,887 --> 00:11:35,490 but I can't wait to get my base back 299 00:11:35,558 --> 00:11:38,931 so I never have to talk to these NATO dorks ever again. 300 00:11:38,997 --> 00:11:40,133 -Right? Yeah. -Yeah. 301 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,135 -Totally. -Yeah. 302 00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:42,672 He knows that if he gets the job, 303 00:11:42,738 --> 00:11:44,274 he's gonna have to deal with them all the time. 304 00:11:44,307 --> 00:11:46,580 Yeah. No, I don't think he listened to my whole plan. 305 00:11:46,613 --> 00:11:48,015 He's not a good listener. 306 00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:49,484 Well, whether or not he's listening to me, 307 00:11:49,552 --> 00:11:50,386 at least he's trusting me. 308 00:11:50,521 --> 00:11:53,259 -Well, finally. -He's gotta trust someone. 309 00:11:53,293 --> 00:11:56,498 Right? Now that you're, uh, you're leaving. 310 00:11:57,869 --> 00:11:59,371 [Mueller clears throat] 311 00:11:59,404 --> 00:12:03,547 I have an announcement to make. The selection board is split, 312 00:12:03,614 --> 00:12:08,957 so we are asking for a final statement from each candidate. 313 00:12:09,024 --> 00:12:13,567 Thank you. Follow me. I'm a little drunk. Yeah. 314 00:12:13,634 --> 00:12:15,303 [military music] 315 00:12:16,272 --> 00:12:17,407 [keyboard keys clacking] 316 00:12:22,150 --> 00:12:27,862 General Martin, we will start with your statement. 317 00:12:27,896 --> 00:12:31,603 Thank you, Chairman Mueller. You all know me. 318 00:12:31,670 --> 00:12:32,905 You know my work. 319 00:12:32,972 --> 00:12:36,478 Therefore, I've decided to yield my time to someone 320 00:12:36,546 --> 00:12:41,455 who knows both myself and the colonel very well. 321 00:12:42,490 --> 00:12:43,827 [military music] 322 00:12:43,927 --> 00:12:45,229 [Elias] Surprise witness. 323 00:12:45,263 --> 00:12:46,800 We should crush more bureaucratic meetings. 324 00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:48,202 Are they all like this? 325 00:12:50,239 --> 00:12:54,381 I'm General Gerald Davidson, and as Colonel Quinn's CO, 326 00:12:54,448 --> 00:12:57,955 I have unique insights into his qualifications. 327 00:12:58,022 --> 00:13:00,059 I'm sorry to say to the board 328 00:13:00,092 --> 00:13:02,899 that all of you have been duped, 329 00:13:02,932 --> 00:13:04,434 duped by Colonel Quinn 330 00:13:04,502 --> 00:13:08,142 and his band of merry morons who have hacked 331 00:13:08,209 --> 00:13:11,349 and schemed their way into this selection process. 332 00:13:11,382 --> 00:13:13,553 But you don't have to take it from me. 333 00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:17,360 It's best to hear it directly from his soldiers. 334 00:13:17,393 --> 00:13:20,534 Sergeant Conway, Corporal Papadakis, 335 00:13:20,601 --> 00:13:21,837 won't you join us? 336 00:13:21,903 --> 00:13:25,176 Okay. Okay. Hey, everybody. 337 00:13:25,243 --> 00:13:26,847 Should have gone with the firebombing. 338 00:13:26,947 --> 00:13:28,382 [military music] 339 00:13:30,721 --> 00:13:32,224 [military music] 340 00:13:32,257 --> 00:13:36,098 Sergeant Conway. Before Colonel Quinn came to Stroopsdorf, 341 00:13:36,165 --> 00:13:38,102 you often used military resources 342 00:13:38,135 --> 00:13:43,045 to transport unauthorized items in violation of army code. 343 00:13:43,112 --> 00:13:47,087 But Colonel Quinn put a stop to that. Correct? 344 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:50,226 The colonel is not aware of all of my operations. 345 00:13:50,293 --> 00:13:52,297 Okay, that makes the colonel sound bad. 346 00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:55,269 Corporal Papadakis, has Colonel Quinn 347 00:13:55,303 --> 00:13:58,175 ever asked you to cut your hair? 348 00:13:58,242 --> 00:14:01,984 Uh, yeah. I once woke up in the middle of the night 349 00:14:02,084 --> 00:14:05,189 and he was hovering over me with scissors, 350 00:14:05,256 --> 00:14:08,195 but I cried and he left me alone. 351 00:14:08,262 --> 00:14:11,503 And what consequences did you face for your insubordination? 352 00:14:11,536 --> 00:14:14,008 Well, one of the consequences of having hair like this is 353 00:14:14,041 --> 00:14:16,846 I can't online date 354 00:14:16,913 --> 00:14:18,884 because my inbox frickin' crashes. 355 00:14:18,917 --> 00:14:20,386 What's up, North Macedonia? 356 00:14:20,420 --> 00:14:22,792 Thank you. You're both dismissed. 357 00:14:22,858 --> 00:14:24,428 Sorry. 358 00:14:24,461 --> 00:14:27,433 The only officer of quality that I have ever seen 359 00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:30,106 associate with Colonel Quinn is Major Shah, 360 00:14:30,139 --> 00:14:34,014 who just abruptly retired. Major Shah, did you do so 361 00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:36,519 for well thought out professional reasons? 362 00:14:36,553 --> 00:14:37,521 [Major Shah] No. 363 00:14:40,026 --> 00:14:41,361 I did it for a woman, sir. 364 00:14:41,395 --> 00:14:43,499 [people murmuring] 365 00:14:43,567 --> 00:14:47,908 There you have it. Colonel Quinn poisons the best soldiers 366 00:14:48,009 --> 00:14:51,649 and protects the worst. I rest my case. 367 00:14:51,750 --> 00:14:54,522 [Mueller] Thank you, general. That was very enlightening. 368 00:14:54,589 --> 00:14:57,160 Colonel, are you prepared to make your statement? 369 00:14:57,194 --> 00:14:58,697 Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. 370 00:14:58,764 --> 00:15:03,239 I have many things to say about General Davidson, but first, 371 00:15:03,306 --> 00:15:05,811 I'm gonna need a translator who can say the word prostitute 372 00:15:05,878 --> 00:15:07,615 in 29 different NATO languages. 373 00:15:07,648 --> 00:15:09,919 Chairman, we're gonna need a moment with the colonel. 374 00:15:09,952 --> 00:15:10,988 -[Maggie] Thank you. -Oh. 375 00:15:11,054 --> 00:15:12,691 Do not take this bait. 376 00:15:12,725 --> 00:15:15,564 I want to go out in a blaze of glory, metaphorically speaking, 377 00:15:15,598 --> 00:15:18,002 because you wouldn't let me bring my Molotov cocktail. 378 00:15:18,069 --> 00:15:21,174 Dad, you are better than this. I know that 379 00:15:21,241 --> 00:15:23,246 you've grown as a person since coming to Stroopsdorf. 380 00:15:23,312 --> 00:15:26,452 I know. But my enemies are gonna use that against me. 381 00:15:26,485 --> 00:15:29,826 You think that caring is a weakness, but it is a strength. 382 00:15:29,893 --> 00:15:32,330 Colonel Quinn, your statement. 383 00:15:38,844 --> 00:15:41,015 General Davidson is right. 384 00:15:41,081 --> 00:15:45,256 All the soldiers at my base are useless. 385 00:15:45,323 --> 00:15:49,532 The soldiers, they're just too soft. And I should relieve them. 386 00:15:49,599 --> 00:15:54,976 But I'm not going to because I'm soft, too. 387 00:15:55,043 --> 00:15:56,780 That's what Stroopstorf does to people. 388 00:15:56,847 --> 00:15:58,382 It makes you soft. 389 00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:00,119 It's a terrible, terrible base. 390 00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:02,023 You guys don't want this as a base. 391 00:16:02,090 --> 00:16:03,760 The base has been decided. 392 00:16:03,827 --> 00:16:05,396 We're not even talking about that. 393 00:16:05,429 --> 00:16:08,302 Thank you, General Martin. But let him speak. 394 00:16:08,336 --> 00:16:11,341 Thank you, chairman. Stroopstorf is terrible. 395 00:16:11,374 --> 00:16:13,146 It's not centrally located. 396 00:16:13,212 --> 00:16:14,649 All right, it doesn't have a working airfield. 397 00:16:14,749 --> 00:16:17,420 If more than ten people take a shower at one time, 398 00:16:17,487 --> 00:16:20,226 we run out of hot water. All people do at Stroopstorf 399 00:16:20,259 --> 00:16:22,631 is-is-is eat cheese and have feelings. 400 00:16:22,698 --> 00:16:25,938 That's all they do. I used to think that having feelings 401 00:16:26,005 --> 00:16:27,406 was a sign of weakness, you know? 402 00:16:27,473 --> 00:16:31,883 And now even I am finding myself having feelings. 403 00:16:31,916 --> 00:16:33,887 And I'm eating cheese. 404 00:16:33,921 --> 00:16:35,055 Is this not a nervous breakdown? 405 00:16:35,122 --> 00:16:36,626 -I think so. -What's wrong with me? 406 00:16:36,693 --> 00:16:38,596 I'll tell you what's wrong with me. Stroopsdorf. 407 00:16:42,638 --> 00:16:44,374 It's taken away my edges. 408 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:47,113 That's why you don't want it. It's gonna ruin NATO. 409 00:16:47,180 --> 00:16:48,550 It's gonna take off all the edges. You guys are gonna be 410 00:16:48,616 --> 00:16:52,357 sitting around eating cheese and crying. 411 00:16:52,391 --> 00:16:55,196 Is that what you want? No, you don't. 412 00:16:55,262 --> 00:16:57,901 You want Baumholder. That's a real base. 413 00:16:57,935 --> 00:17:01,041 What? No, Baumholder is my base. 414 00:17:01,074 --> 00:17:02,110 Baumholder is a great base 415 00:17:02,176 --> 00:17:03,279 'cause this man is leading them. 416 00:17:03,312 --> 00:17:04,649 You could tell he's a real general. 417 00:17:04,716 --> 00:17:07,020 Look at him, two stars. He knows what's going on, 418 00:17:07,087 --> 00:17:09,592 and they got hot water for days. 419 00:17:09,625 --> 00:17:12,496 Unless you don't want a centrally located base 420 00:17:12,564 --> 00:17:15,070 in Germany, that's up to you guys. 421 00:17:15,136 --> 00:17:17,073 [indistinct chattering] 422 00:17:18,409 --> 00:17:22,784 All in favor tabling Stroopsdorf and considering Baumholder. 423 00:17:22,784 --> 00:17:24,320 [military music] 424 00:17:26,091 --> 00:17:27,729 -Yes! -[laughing] 425 00:17:27,795 --> 00:17:30,099 Suck it, Davidson, sir. 426 00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:31,702 Uh... 427 00:17:34,374 --> 00:17:36,411 -Well played, Quinns. -It's nice to win. 428 00:17:36,478 --> 00:17:39,518 -I know 'cause I always do. -Did you win? 429 00:17:39,585 --> 00:17:43,225 'Cause it looks like I just got a bigger, better base. 430 00:17:43,292 --> 00:17:45,731 Well, it looks like maybe you owe me one. 431 00:17:45,831 --> 00:17:47,199 [chuckles] 432 00:17:53,012 --> 00:17:54,882 [keyboard keys clacking] 433 00:17:54,948 --> 00:17:59,324 You know, it's, uh, too bad of your loving retirement 434 00:17:59,391 --> 00:18:01,428 'cause you were great out there today. 435 00:18:01,495 --> 00:18:03,298 -It was mostly you. -It was mostly me. 436 00:18:03,365 --> 00:18:06,104 -It was mostly you. -But we make a very good team. 437 00:18:07,473 --> 00:18:08,576 We do. 438 00:18:10,714 --> 00:18:13,252 -Can I be honest? -Yes. 439 00:18:13,285 --> 00:18:15,423 I'm not that into freedom of retirement. 440 00:18:15,456 --> 00:18:17,160 -Right. -I like purpose, structure. 441 00:18:17,227 --> 00:18:20,299 -A clean chin. -Mm-hmm. 442 00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:22,103 I'm thinking about sticking around. 443 00:18:23,740 --> 00:18:25,510 Sticking around Stroopsdorf? 444 00:18:25,544 --> 00:18:28,448 I got everything I need here. It's where I'm happiest. 445 00:18:28,516 --> 00:18:30,452 It's where everyone I care about is. 446 00:18:31,957 --> 00:18:32,859 I'm sorry. 447 00:18:33,025 --> 00:18:37,099 I'm sorry that I ran away and I got scared and... 448 00:18:37,133 --> 00:18:38,636 Look, I was moving way too fast. 449 00:18:38,703 --> 00:18:40,707 I mean, I literally got divorced, 450 00:18:40,741 --> 00:18:42,410 retired and then fell in love in like, a month. 451 00:18:42,443 --> 00:18:44,081 I could see that could scare a person, right? 452 00:18:44,147 --> 00:18:48,121 Yeah. 453 00:18:48,155 --> 00:18:51,095 You know, I'm still really... 454 00:18:51,195 --> 00:18:52,564 I'd like to see if this could work. 455 00:18:55,035 --> 00:18:56,237 Yeah, me too. 456 00:18:58,409 --> 00:19:02,250 -Great, great. -Great, great. Yeah. 457 00:19:02,316 --> 00:19:05,523 We'll just take it slow 458 00:19:05,557 --> 00:19:07,426 and start from the beginning. 459 00:19:09,197 --> 00:19:11,802 That's a good idea. Yeah. 460 00:19:11,836 --> 00:19:12,804 Hey, I'm Abe. 461 00:19:14,608 --> 00:19:16,612 Hi, I'm Maggie. 462 00:19:16,645 --> 00:19:21,187 -Can I get you a drink? -Yeah, just, uh, surprise me. 463 00:19:25,730 --> 00:19:29,538 Oh, look, it's our returning best sexy man. 464 00:19:29,571 --> 00:19:31,474 -[cheering] -[applause] 465 00:19:31,542 --> 00:19:32,711 Hey. 466 00:19:32,745 --> 00:19:36,886 -Now to give my boy a hero kiss. -No. No. No. 467 00:19:36,953 --> 00:19:40,694 So you had your chance to leave the base and you biffed it? 468 00:19:40,728 --> 00:19:42,898 Well, actually, it's the second time. 469 00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:45,436 Because last year when I was blackmailing Davidson, 470 00:19:45,469 --> 00:19:47,373 he offered me a transfer, I turned him down. 471 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,479 -Why? -Well, because of you. 472 00:19:50,514 --> 00:19:52,651 And it's not what you think. I felt obligated 473 00:19:52,718 --> 00:19:54,555 'cause you were such a mess last year at this time. 474 00:19:54,622 --> 00:19:58,296 -You were a gigantic mess. -Uh-huh. 475 00:19:58,362 --> 00:19:59,665 You're getting solved. 476 00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:01,434 -Hey, surprise. -Oh, thank you. 477 00:20:01,502 --> 00:20:02,971 -You're welcome. -That's great. 478 00:20:03,038 --> 00:20:04,474 I think we need to make a toast 479 00:20:04,508 --> 00:20:06,378 for our favorite war daddy. 480 00:20:06,445 --> 00:20:09,618 Okay, here is to Stroopsdorf. 481 00:20:09,685 --> 00:20:12,256 -[all] To Stroopsdorf! -[glass clinking] 482 00:20:12,290 --> 00:20:14,127 [Elias] All right, wait for me. 483 00:20:14,227 --> 00:20:15,530 [Major Shah] Is that Papadakis? 484 00:20:15,597 --> 00:20:18,636 Do I look like a real soldier now? 485 00:20:21,441 --> 00:20:24,381 -Oh. -[Elias] You guys don't like it? 486 00:20:24,447 --> 00:20:28,823 Oh! What have I done?! 487 00:20:31,228 --> 00:20:32,129 [keyboard keys clacking] 488 00:20:32,163 --> 00:20:33,432 [military music] 489 00:20:33,498 --> 00:20:36,438 Papadakis has been in there for so long. 490 00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:37,875 Do you think he's gona be okay? 491 00:20:37,908 --> 00:20:41,081 I don't know. The man who cut his hair was a butcher. 492 00:20:41,114 --> 00:20:42,484 -Oh, finally. -Oh, Jan. 493 00:20:42,551 --> 00:20:44,855 [sighs] Did you fix it? 494 00:20:44,922 --> 00:20:48,563 I tried, but honestly, I've never seen anything like that. 495 00:20:48,630 --> 00:20:50,466 The length of the hair just accentuated 496 00:20:50,533 --> 00:20:52,437 his obvious lack of jawline. 497 00:20:52,505 --> 00:20:54,775 The layers were just chaotic and cruel. 498 00:20:54,808 --> 00:20:56,445 And you could have sent him to the Hague 499 00:20:56,513 --> 00:20:58,015 because that middle part was a war crime. 500 00:20:58,082 --> 00:21:01,255 Well, you have to do something. I have to work with him. 501 00:21:01,321 --> 00:21:02,724 Did anybody think about me? 502 00:21:02,791 --> 00:21:06,498 I cannot stare at that monstrosity every single day. 503 00:21:06,566 --> 00:21:08,703 -Hey, hey, hey. -I did what I could. 504 00:21:08,804 --> 00:21:11,742 The rest, you must leave up to God. 505 00:21:13,044 --> 00:21:15,282 -Yeah. -Do you guys like it? 506 00:21:15,349 --> 00:21:18,188 -Oh. -Looks better though, right? 507 00:21:18,255 --> 00:21:21,061 -Oh! -[sighs] 508 00:21:21,094 --> 00:21:22,798 -I'm a monster. -Uh... 509 00:21:22,831 --> 00:21:25,504 Why did I let the army bully me in a short hair? 510 00:21:25,570 --> 00:21:26,806 -[barking] -Yeah, Scraps. 511 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:28,976 -Okay, we know, we all hate it. -Mm-hm. 512 00:21:29,043 --> 00:21:31,615 We don't know that's for sure what he said. 513 00:21:31,682 --> 00:21:33,452 [barking] 514 00:21:33,485 --> 00:21:35,657 Well, I heard it that time. 515 00:21:35,724 --> 00:21:37,928 [children] It's going so well.